My Boys Cant Swim Bombed, Only Sober

For years, I have promoted a half kidding belief that my "boys" would have a difficult time making the long upstream swim to the egg birthing dam.

This unproven proclamation was due to two contributing factors. My former life of burning bowls full of Nebraska brown frown and my record of zero offspring after years of random philandering, raw dawg style.

The "my boys cant swim," line always produced a chuckle from my partners/victims. Of course my gfriend, the lovely Miss SoBelle, does not laugh so I have refrained recently from any sperm jokes. I continually reassure her that my boys are Olympic triathletes and will not drown if/when their time is ever called.

An University of Idaho study just blindsided me into another sperm scenario that I had not previously imagined.

Men should not smoke, drink or take unnecessary drugs if they are planning to become fathers to avoid causing health problems for their children, a health expert has warned.

Scientists found that toxic chemicals can damage sperm, which then pass altered genes onto babies. In experiments on rats Matthew Anway of the University of Idaho found that some garden chemicals caused problems such as damaged and overgrown prostates, infertility and kidney problems, all of which were present up to four generations later.

Damn, that sounds awful and my sperm humor now seems as unfunny as Dane Cook's stand up routine. It gets worse:

"Men who drink excessive amounts of alcohol produce higher rates of sperm with abnormalities,"

OUCH. I have never seen one statement take the Joy out of Happy Hour for prospective fathers like that one. Previously, I only believed "drinks are full price," accomplished such a booze downer.

I do think there is more to life than procreating oneself and it is debatable if the world needs more Mac G's. Although, it would be nice to have normal procreating option someday without giving up booze and thus risking birthing a deformed child with organ problems.

There is a glimmer of hope:

The good news for men is that sperm is produced continuously in a 74-day cycle, so the body does clean itself over time.

I wonder if increased Spank Bank Deposits would help speed up the good sperm flow?

Drinks and Drugs Cause Bad Sperm.

This post does not imply that I am thinking about having a kid yet. Why would I do anything yet to drastically decrease my sleep, sports viewing, money and sex life?